As I sit alone in solitude my mind often wander. My brain leave’s my skull, growing wings and taking flight… reducing my human flesh to an empty shell. Feeling numb, slouched over in my chair. Thinking about life, society and humanity…reflecting.
Tonight is like most late nights. The demons never go away. They always come back knocking on the door of my brain and for some reason I always respond. I’m a gluten for punishment I guess. I try to run. I try to hide but they always have a way of finding me. I try to convince myself that everything will be OK once I achieve something new in this society. I always try to give myself a goal to chase.
I like to bullshit myself often with “If’s”…”if I get more money it’ll be alright” “If I move to a new city it’ll get better” “If I change my habits… it’ll change” But the harsh reality is…nothing won’t ever cure the emptiness that I feel internally. Life to me is like a cruel practical joke. It becomes funny after a while. What is life anyway?
I’ve been trying to figure out how to cope with this society for many years and still can’t find an answer. It feel’s like an illusion. A dream like world filled with robots…masked as human beings. Life have become predictable. Its almost like I can predict peoples actions before they even get a chance to act. Like a 6th sense.
Life is like the movie Groundhog’s day. Same shit, different day. It plays on a loop filled with pointless fillers and meaningless interactions. The avg life expectancy is 78. That’s long time to work, watch shitty entertainment, make small talk about non sense.
My personality leaves me isolated. If you don’t fit into a box in this modern day facade of a society… you simply have no place. If you have personal traits such as honesty, loyalty and intelligence you’ll be invisible. In order to enjoy the modern world you have to be morally depraved. It’s simply set up for evil to prevail.
So how do you cope? If you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide and too far gone to embrace it? what are your options? the answer is simple. You have none. you’ll be stuck in a mental purgatory… all alone. The cold hard truth is…its probably always going to be like that until the day you die.
I’ve reached a place of acceptance. I feel numb on the inside. Not angry, not sad, not happy. Just numb. No feeling at all. I’ll just exist until I can’t exist no more I guess.